Man, am I struggling! Even though I know what’s right, I’m having a very time actually following God’s instructions. My spirit is willing but my flesh is super-duper weak!
What’s wrong? I’m in the thick of intense dislike of another person. I can’t stand them. I loathe them! They annoy me… frustrate me… infuriate and disgust me! Basically, I am giving away all of my peace as I hold onto this hate.
I’m not sure why I cannot shake it! It’s not like she killed someone, robbed a bank or victimized an innocent child! Alas, her transgressions are much less dramatic than these, but hard for me to let go nonetheless!
Why do I hate her? Let me count the ways…
#1) She’s a bully! She enjoys making less secure younger folks feel, well… insecure.
#2) She’s passive-aggressive. She repeatedly doesn’t do what is needed to make other’s lives more difficult!
#3) She’s a constant complainer. Under the premise of “wanting things to be better” she complains about all that is wrong, but her “solutions” are often self-serving or worse than the problem she is going on and on about!
#4) She’s a two-faced back stabber! She will frequently bad mouth others behind their backs. She is quick to point out other people’s mistakes… drawing unnecessary attention to other people’s flaws. She’s vindictive and would not hesitate to sabotage another if she thought she could get away with it!
#5) When she messes up she never takes full responsibility. She is quick to point to other people who are to blame. Even if it’s untrue.
#6) She’s insincere. She says one thing when we ALL know she feels quite the opposite.
#7) She’s a know-it-all. She can live other people’s lives better than her own.
#8) She’s abrasive! She hurts other people’s feelings ALL the time because she doesn’t stop to THINK before she SPEAKS.
#9) She delegates jobs to other people when it would take less time if she just DID it herself! She does this because she is…
#10) ARROGANT. She thinks she is better, smarter, more knowledgable, of more value, more competent and capable than everyone else… including those with more experience, knowledge, and credentials.
I’m doomed. I see no hope in loving this soul. And yet… I’m called to FORGIVE her… and LOVE her. C’mon Jesus! Really? REALLY?
But how?!
I think the first thing I’m supposed to do is to take the log out of my own eye, right? Fine.. I’m NOT perfect! But I’m not a mean girl either… I’m not guilty of the intolerable traits she possesses! Obviously I need to learn to accept her for who she is and where she’s at. What I’m lacking is compassion!
In fact, part if the reason I began this writing rant is in an attempt to find resolution and peace amidst this frustrating and losing situation! I HATE feeling this way!
Those that know me well know I rarely dislike anyone… those that know me very well know how much I love 99.9% of people! I appreciate their differences, their uniqueness and quirkiness… faults n’ all!
And so I went to prayer…
Me: Okay God, what should I DO?
God: Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want PEACE?
Me: I think I’ve heard a version of this before… I know where you’re headed with this.
God: And?
Me: (Deep inhale, followed by a long exhale) …. Peace.
God: Offer her joy. Offer her Peace
Me: Huh?
God: Be positive and affirming towards her. Abstain from negative thoughts of her. Cease any negative dialog regarding her, both internally and externally. If you have an unloving thought, however “true”… Let it go.
Me: Let it go?
God: Yes.
Me: …But for how long?
God: Until you are once again with Me in Peace.
So, here goes! What’s interesting is my hesitation to let it go. I can’t blame my transgressor for that… right away I know it is what I need to do.
This experience was another reminder of when you ask God for direction, you gotta always be prepared for an Answer that you may find difficult. With Faith I will follow… and I’ll be in touch to let you know how it goes. If you are a praying soul… I would appreciate your prayers for me, I think I can use all the help I can get!
Not Just A Blonde 
This is a tough situation! I have had such relationships and it is very difficult even to communicate with someone like this because they are not good communication partners.
I have had a number of these relationships and I realize these types of people need love because there are not many who love them–they tend to drive people away. Sometimes I do something to help them, not necessarily with their relationships but with anything, knowing full well that whatever I do freely and from my heart will result in my getting bit in the butt.
However, the stress these relationships create is immense! The question I ask myself is how important is this person to me personally? Is it a relative or an old friend? I do not want to ‘cut people off (I am done with you!)’, but it is not our responsibility to expose our lives to this chaos unless we choose to.
Sometimes the best thing to do is love them and let them go their own way. They are sad and needy–yes. But we cannot personally rescue everyone, and we have a duty to ourselves and to our positive relationships. If I do choose to continue to involve myself, I change the way I see them. I don’t regard their communication and behavior the same as I do my ‘adult’ relationships–I consider the source.
They are the way they are because of past pain and perhaps poor social modeling. Years ago I read the book, I’m OK, You’re OK. It helped me so much to know that when someone acts as a Child rather than as an Adult it does not have to hook my Parent.
Sorry for this droning on. All this is not a recommendation for you; it is only something that has helped me. I hope you can resolve your feelings with this person.
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There is A LOT of wonderful wisdom in your response! Thank you! 🙂 Changing the way I see her will require a miracle… but not to worry as I believe in miracles! 🙂
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I hope things turn out well for everyone.
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Jesuswithoutbaggage: what a wonderful, striking moniker. Yes, Jesus travelled light and so did the 70 who went out. Loading heavy backpacks filled to the brim with stone tablets full of laws.
Notjustablonde: a name that promises anticonformity, a name that says dig below the surface, there is more than meets the eye.
Your names are thought-provoking already, let alone what you post. It gets me up and about on my side of the pond and there are so many angles to view this from. Jesus prayed not for all, but for those given to Him. We cannot be rude yet we also cannot become somebody else’s doormat.
I had an interesting read today, at http://purposeandintention.wordpress.com/2013/08/07/the-devil-that-sits-on-the-front-pew/
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Regarding my moniker: you. get. me! 😉 Oh, and thanks for the blog post share! I’m still absorbing her post… SO emotionally charged and well written I think!
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I have been shown something and that is why I think that some thing are better being said privately as also the enemy of Jesus read these pages. What I do hold in high esteem, is the liberated butterfly, unshackled and singing with Mary-Mary “take the shackles of my feet so I can dance.”
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Thanks Pieter! I am pleased with the name, but it took me awhile to think of it. You would not be so kind in your comment had I chosen some of the other names I considered!
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Oh! My curiosity is peaked! You must share sometime! 🙂
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Blonde, one of the blog titles I considered was ‘Leaving Fundamentalism’, but it was already taken. Others were:
Jesus is not a Fundamentalist
‘I will give you rest-not burdens’ –Jesus
Trust Jesus—not dogmatism
Peace and Freedom in Jesus
Leaving Fundamentalism for Good News
The Father’s House
Jesus without Baggage
Most of the titles were either too clunky or too vague, but when I thought of ‘Jesus without Baggage’, I stopped looking!
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What the perfect end to the search! Divinely inspired I think! 😉
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Thanks!
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I was so drawn to your story, because, I too am dealing with this same situation!! When you brought it up, a terrible sense of dread came over me!! It can be all consuming and a terrible situation to keep fretting over. I too look for peace and took some helpful tips from the comment below. I will continue to follow along in your quest for a resolution as I need one too!! Praying for us!!
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I feel for you. It’s such a challenging thing to face… whether the it is an acquaintance, coworker, family member, or long-time friendship that has gone bad… these folks can really zap our peace and lead us into temptation to become toxic as well. I’m up for the challenge and am happy to have you with me on learning to let go of hate!
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Any and all tips will be appreciated!! Lets travel that road to peace!!
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If that person is a non-believer, one will need to remain kind and composed as did Jesus. If that person is a proclaiming Christian, avoid, as we see in 1 Cor 5:9-13. Of all the sins we can list, gossip and slander are the most destructive and also the most commonly practised. Sadly, men are more guilty than the ladies although they will vehemently protest what I am saying. I became reborn almost thirty years ago and saw across my country and also in other parts of the world, how damaging and disastrous the consequences of gossip can be. Lives ruined, people turned away from God, etc. Paul did not write that chapter to be ignored, which is exactly what the church generally is doing.
Good advice is not to discuss marital problems with pastors as I have experienced how a number of them disclosed sensitive information, which is not professional at all. The last time a pastor with celebrity status did that, I started dialling the number of the person being discussed and, when he asked me what I was doing, I said that I will quickly invite him to come over and participate in this discussion about him.
I got chased out of that church, lost my job and also my home as a result. To me, Christians who gossip are the absolute worst. And, when they don’t repent as in Matthew 18, treat them like infidels. That was direction given by Jesus Himself. He wants a clean house, not slanderers.
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I’m not sure if she’s a believer or not… if she is she doesn’t speak of it. I am however, and feel like the burden of forgiveness is mine. I’m doing pretty well not to be the one to gossip about her… so far, so good… not great however as she is constantly creating discord among those around her… and I am finding myself giving support and encouragement to those who she upsets. Yes, I have assertively addressed to her directly when I feel she is out of line or affecting me, but it doesn’t change her overall behavior or negativity. She’s a hard one… but WITH HIM I am up for the challenge! 😉
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Yes, we have to forgive and we can even try build a relationship. In my own life, though, I have found that I had to turn around and walk away so many times, like the 70 who went out to minister and who had to kick the dust off their feet.
Jeremiah 12:5 says that little people wear us out and drain our energy so that we cannot fulfill our purpose.
Ons has to find a balance.
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