Man, am I struggling! Even though I know what’s right, I’m having a very time actually following God’s instructions. My spirit is willing but my flesh is super-duper weak!
What’s wrong? I’m in the thick of intense dislike of another person. I can’t stand them. I loathe them! They annoy me… frustrate me… infuriate and disgust me! Basically, I am giving away all of my peace as I hold onto this hate.
I’m not sure why I cannot shake it! It’s not like she killed someone, robbed a bank or victimized an innocent child! Alas, her transgressions are much less dramatic than these, but hard for me to let go nonetheless!
Why do I hate her? Let me count the ways…
#1) She’s a bully! She enjoys making less secure younger folks feel, well… insecure.
#2) She’s passive-aggressive. She repeatedly doesn’t do what is needed to make other’s lives more difficult!
#3) She’s a constant complainer. Under the premise of “wanting things to be better” she complains about all that is wrong, but her “solutions” are often self-serving or worse than the problem she is going on and on about!
#4) She’s a two-faced back stabber! She will frequently bad mouth others behind their backs. She is quick to point out other people’s mistakes… drawing unnecessary attention to other people’s flaws. She’s vindictive and would not hesitate to sabotage another if she thought she could get away with it!
#5) When she messes up she never takes full responsibility. She is quick to point to other people who are to blame. Even if it’s untrue.
#6) She’s insincere. She says one thing when we ALL know she feels quite the opposite.
#7) She’s a know-it-all. She can live other people’s lives better than her own.
#8) She’s abrasive! She hurts other people’s feelings ALL the time because she doesn’t stop to THINK before she SPEAKS.
#9) She delegates jobs to other people when it would take less time if she just DID it herself! She does this because she is…
#10) ARROGANT. She thinks she is better, smarter, more knowledgable, of more value, more competent and capable than everyone else… including those with more experience, knowledge, and credentials.
I’m doomed. I see no hope in loving this soul. And yet… I’m called to FORGIVE her… and LOVE her. C’mon Jesus! Really? REALLY?
I think the first thing I’m supposed to do is to take the log out of my own eye, right? Fine.. I’m NOT perfect! But I’m not a mean girl either… I’m not guilty of the intolerable traits she possesses! Obviously I need to learn to accept her for who she is and where she’s at. What I’m lacking is compassion!
In fact, part if the reason I began this writing rant is in an attempt to find resolution and peace amidst this frustrating and losing situation! I HATE feeling this way!
Those that know me well know I rarely dislike anyone… those that know me very well know how much I love 99.9% of people! I appreciate their differences, their uniqueness and quirkiness… faults n’ all!
And so I went to prayer…
Me: Okay God, what should I DO?
God: Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want PEACE?
Me: I think I’ve heard a version of this before… I know where you’re headed with this.
Me: (Deep inhale, followed by a long exhale) …. Peace.
God: Offer her joy. Offer her Peace
God: Be positive and affirming towards her. Abstain from negative thoughts of her. Cease any negative dialog regarding her, both internally and externally. If you have an unloving thought, however “true”… Let it go.
Me: Let it go?
Me: …But for how long?
God: Until you are once again with Me in Peace.
So, here goes! What’s interesting is my hesitation to let it go. I can’t blame my transgressor for that… right away I know it is what I need to do.
This experience was another reminder of when you ask God for direction, you gotta always be prepared for an Answer that you may find difficult. With Faith I will follow… and I’ll be in touch to let you know how it goes. If you are a praying soul… I would appreciate your prayers for me, I think I can use all the help I can get!