Not Just A Blonde

We are "Not Just" who we seem to be on this Earthly plane, but so much more. We are ALL children of a loving God who is calling us home to Love. This blog is dedicated to those of us on that journey together…

The soreness fades as the day goes on
The pain a fainting memory passed
I rest and lie upon the ground
and let the sleeping dragon rest

I toss and turn throughout the night
Restless sleeping I dream awake
The morning comes too fast.

I stand with hope this pain does fade
The clock betrays my hope for peace
Time to rise and face the pain

One step, two steps… I might be fine
Yet electric shocks of waves give way
I stretch, I crawl, I try to find
a way to force this pain gone
Without escape I must press on

The dagger in my flesh does stay
Limp and wobble, gasp and pout
No way to put this fire out

I press on, I must be strong
This may never go away.
This pain may forever stay.

Why pain? What value is this curse?
Is God indeed in charge of all?
I search for answers to this pain, to break it’s spell upon my brain

Defeated, forlorn and growing sad
my anger swells larger still
Held hostage by this treacherous storm
Consumed by terror’s unending reign

Anxiety rising in my chest
Tightening up to take my breath
Dark fear of pain that will never go

I am taken away by agony
Separating me from stronger souls
A weak coward: I am ashamed

The knife of Satan within my side
Who thinks of God when all consumed?
Hope and Love go up in flames

That’s it. I’m done.
I’ve nothing left
but pain’s shrieking, searing taste of death!

Resigned I lay down to face the end.
I call out to God across Hell’s abyss
My voice unheard over pain’s noise!

My enemy takes leave until the morn
I toss and turn and dream awake
My soul is lost within my pain

πŸ’”Ann ‘Not Just A Blonde’

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Background:This poem was written during a time of great pain and despair. I had debilitating back pain that was getting worse and worse over time. I could not sit down without sharp searing pain, yet every position and posture was painful. It was so strong no pain medications could touch it, I was just forced to suffer… praying to God daily that it might improve. Eventually it did.

My heart goes out to all chronic pain sufferers! I felt punished by my pain, as I am sure many others do. I have come to believe this pain was a gift, one of which I write about in a (much later) blog post. I was challenged spiritually by my pain and I was also humbled by it. I hated it but as in all of life’s trials I am a better women for it. I thank God for the lessons learned and pray for all those who still suffer with chronic pain to find healing and hope again.
❀️Ann

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9 thoughts on “My Soul is Lost: A Poem of Pain

  1. Hi, Ann. I like to think that God is always letting us know heaven is here, and pain is something that let’s us know we’re looking in the wrong direction. -Bob

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    1. ❀️Love that! I will meditate on that tonight!❀️Thank you!

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    2. Chas says:

      This has a parallel to something that God has had me think about a lot, which is that when we are in spiritual discomfort it is probably because we are striving against God in some way, and so inflicting the discomfort upon ourselves. However, pain coming from a disease is a different matter, since the disease would not, in most cases, be a result of our actions. That would then lead to a debate about healing. On one memorable occasion, a young woman in the office next to mine (she was a believer in Jesus) began screaming in pain. It turned out that she suffered from endometriosis, and managed to tell me this while the on-site emergency team was on its way. Once they arrived, I went back to my office and a minute or two later she started to scream again. I prayed, begging God to take her pain away; a short while afterwards she stopped screaming, and it turned out that she had been given a pain-killing injection! A few weeks later she arranged to have a hysterectomy; her logic was that her womb was causing her offense (as in ‘if your eye offends you pluck it out’).

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      1. Hi, Chas. It’s easy to think of pain as an enemy, but I try to think of it as a helpful sign I need to find ways to be more in harmony with the God-nature within.

        And I like to think there is no spiritual discomfort, only un-spiritual discomfort and spiritual comfort. -Bob

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      2. Bob, I agree 100% about the correlation between spiritual pain and deviation off of the path of peace and love as God intends for us. I have so many thoughts on this idea it will likely inspire another post for another day! Thank you for your insights! I believe this to be true!

        My poem is about the great amount of physical pain that I have been experiencing and how in the throes of it I feel so apart from God and from peace. I’ve been seeking the spiritual lesson for it primarily so it will END! Ha! I’m just being honest… no martyrdom for me please! πŸ˜‰
        ❀️Ann

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      3. Hi, Ann. I like to think your increased well-being is as close as your thought that God loves you unconditionally and is continually offering you this well-being whether you’re experiencing it or not. Pain can make it difficult to remember this well-being is there for you. Doesn’t every spiritual lesson pretty much come down to finding ways to look beyond the pain (or whatever the distraction is at the moment) for God’s love, and finding ways to let it in? -Bob

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      4. Bob, Yes. I believe you are right. Ahhhhh! What a gift! Thank you! ❀️Ann

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      5. And thank you, Ann, for the gift of your blog – a reminder there’s more to who we are than what’s physically apparent. Thank you for the reminders we are spiritual beings as well as physical beings, and that we are here learning how to be as loving as we can. And thank you for your courage to move beyond the fundamentalist religious teachings of your youth, and your reminders that each one of us has the ability to connect with God in our heart and be guided toward God’s unconditional love. -Bob

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      6. Chas, thank you for this comment! I can relate to your coworker so much! I am currently suffering with severe episodes of back/hip pain! I work in Orthopaedic Outpatient Therapy with Physical Therapists that specialize in back dysfunction. Although I had been doing stretches and stabilizing exercises as they recommended my pain over time was becoming worse! I asked one of the most experienced PT’s what she thought of chiropractic care as I was growing impatient and frustrated in my pains increase! She was hesitant to recommend I go to see one as she feared he might be “too aggressive”. but this thrilled me! You see, I wanted someone to aggressively address my pain! I felt like I was at war and my back pain was winning!

        I have seen the “aggressive” chiropractor now over a half a dozen times in the past week or so and he has given me relief and hope! I do believe I would do whatever it took to not feel pain like I’ve been experiencing over the past several weeks… it is so immobilizing and all-consuming!!!

        I have prayed to God for help, relief, insight into the lesson this pain might offer me. I even gave my pain to God. Sounds strange but that gave me comfort too. I knew I could not do anything to bring myself comfort so I gave it to the Power that could. I think it helped. No one wants to be alone in their misery! πŸ˜‰

        I was prayed over after church on Sunday. This was a special event you see as I attend a Methodist Church without an alter call. I was asked if I would like to be prayed over.. desperate and in significant pain I said YES! The next day my pain left me and has not been as severe since.

        Prayer helped me! Yes, I went to the chiropractor the next day… so he played a part in my healing as well… it was during that adjustment I felt a significant shift in my lower back. Answer to prayer? Yes!

        But what about those that pray and do not get relief? What of those poor souls that suffer in silence everyday?! I’ve got an intense empathy for them… and understand their suffering in a way I could never have before this horrific ordeal.

        This pain IS my enemy as it blocks me from peace, fills me with fear and consumes my mind so that I am not living or giving but just surviving. I would cut this pain out and toss it far away if I could! This however cannot be done… so until it leaves me (and I pray and have hope that it will) I take it moment by moment and day by day turning to God for healing, guidance, and peace with Faith he has a purpose or a blessing for me that can be borne out of my suffering this physical pain. ❀️Ann

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